By: Alexis Wagner
Hearts are easily broken when talking about any type of abuse inflicted on innocent children, but do hearts break the same way when talking about the adults that live their lives as survivors of abuse? Experiencing any form of childhood trauma and abuse have major impacts an adult’s quality of life. It often times subconsciously effects their feelings, relationships, self-esteem and physical health.
Adult survivors are often told to move on with their lives, as if it’s an easy task, and are frowned upon for struggling with effects that have extended into adulthood. As a result, they do their best to hide their pain instead of dealing with it appropriately.
Published author and poet, Autumn Lawson, is a prime example of a victim of child abuse that has recognized the effects of abuse, but is still affected by it as an adult. Abuse takes many forms, beyond the physical and starting at an early age Lawson was a victim of sexual, physical and emotional abuse.
Sexual abuse
At the tender age of 6 Lawson was molested by a family member. A high school aged relative would come into her room at night when the lights were off, make her turn around, and then slowly stick his hinds into her pants. Even as a child, Lawson knew that this was wrong and that she should speak up, but she was always too afraid to do so.
“I know if I would’ve told someone it would have ended. My aunt used to tell me as a child to say something if anyone touched me but I never spoke up” Lawson said. Because of what she went through, Lawson says that she has carried the fear of speaking up into adulthood, and is still afraid of men. “I’m somewhat afraid of being around men and being alone around them” she said.
Emotional Abuse
Growing up she was never able to be sensitive without being reprimanded for it. Her guardian would make fun of her hair or how much she ate, and if she got offended by it then she would get in trouble for being “too emotional”. Lawson felt as if she had to hide who she really was so she wouldn’t get in trouble for being herself.
“My hair was a problem, I had to dress a certain type of way, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion, I wasn’t allowed to talk to my mom. I had to do everything in secret and hope that no one found out.” Lawson said.
Today some of Lawson’s biggest trials in her adult life are a result of the emotional abuse that she endured as a child. “I am emotionally unattached from everything and everyone”, she said, “I hold everything in until I snap. I won’t tell anyone what I’m dealing with, and I keep my opinions to myself even when I know what I have to say could help someone.”
Physical Abuse
Soon enough the psychological abuse turned into physical abuse. As a consequence for having emotions, Lawson would be beat by her abuser. “I would cry when he would say that I eat like a horse. One day I cried and left the dinner table, and when we got home I got beat for making him look bad in front of everyone” Lawson said when thinking back on the reasons why she would get in trouble.
She would also get in trouble for any mistake that she made, whether big or small. The amount of abuse endured has left her memory of every being loved blank, but instead questioning why she had to go through what she went through. “I can’t remember the hugs and kisses, but I remember when I my grades would lead to a beating” she said. “Was the beating going to improve my grades?”
Experiencing any form of childhood trauma and abuse can impact on the way survivors deal with situations and relationships. People think that we simply have the choice whether or not to let our past affect our future or to move on, but sometimes even when we move on we carry our burdens along with us. Autumn Lawson is one of many adults who are doing their best to conceal and open wounds that they’ve had since childhood.
“I have learned to hide things and pretend like nothing happened”, Lawson said, “People tell me that I’m extremely happy, kind, generous, and positive and that they can’t believe I have been through anything rough in my life.”
Some say that time heals all, but sometimes lack of closure leaves a broken heart in pieces no matter how much time has passed. Some of us remain in loving relationships with their parents and guardians, but others go through each day trying to fill that void by learning how to let go and love themselves. Lawson found an understanding man that loves her and a sweet escape in her writing, but some days the weight of her past still seems to weight her down.
“I need to rebuild myself
I need to take time to love myself
I want to be loved but I don’t know how to love myself
And how can I want something from someone,
That I can’t give myself?”
– Autumn Lawson
